The Other Woman

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Once, many moons ago, I was involved with a married mad. We met purely by chance. He called my office one day to get some information about a case he was working on. This one call let to several others doing investigation on this particular case until he said that he thinks he needs to get some more 411 from me and proceeded to ask for my phone number at home. I found him to be “interesting” so I gave it to him. And thus began our affair. We talked on the phone for about a month before we decided it was time to meet face to face. This was arranged and we met to have a drink. Needless to say I wasn’t disappointed and neither was he. We continued to correspond with each other on the telephone, going out on an occasional date, to watch a movie, or a play or go to a club or whatever we felt we wanted to do. He was a very mature individual being 33 at the time and we spoke about various topics from politics, to religion to economics (which was his area of expertise), to relationships, to sex … our conversations were endless, late in the night, early in the morning, during the day at work, when he picked me up from work, when I went to meet him at his office – we did a lot of talking and I loved that. Someone who challenged my in a different way and in some way forced me to read more so that I could converse with him on any topic.

As the time passed, we became intimate … and we loved it! He was having problems in his marriage which (coincidentally) stemmed from his infidelity in the past. A very complicated individual he was. He had a child prior to his marriage, as did his wife, he and his wife had a child together and he had another child outside his marriage, this child being pretty much the same age as the child he had with his wife! What had I gotten myself into??????

Anyway, I kept telling myself that I would not get sucked into his life and that I would not allow myself to get too close to him for comfort. Easier said than done. Although we spent a lot of time together, you can understand that there were always restrictions to our “relationship”. I couldn’t call him whenever I felt the need to hear his voice, or to have phone sex in the middle of the night or go out on a date with him when he and the wife had to be somewhere with the children. RESTRICTIONS!! Any relationship with restrictions of any sort in my eyes is no relationship at all. When you are with someone, everything should be open, unhibited, free.

Because I knew that he wasn’t really mine, I didn’t make any demands of him – not his time, not his money, not his affection, not sex. If he said he couldn’t pick me up from work, or couldn’t see me on a particular evening, I was very understanding as I knew I was always second whether I liked it or not.

Eventually, I started to “wise up” and began to drift away from him. I didn’t call him as often, didn’t see him as often and we ended up having a big fight which was the beginning of the end of our blissful encounter. It eventually ended with him migrating with his family (a last minute decision). Even at this point, I was the one who made many a trip with him to his mother in the country, helped him to pack up the last of their belongings, cleaned out the house he and his wife lived in, dismantled the bed he and his wife slept in, made love in.

In talking to him since his departure more than 5 years ago, he has maintained that he never had a relationship such as the one he had with me. He viewed our connection as unique, complete, one that he says even his wife mentions to him from time to time – “the time when he was just so preoccupied”. He still talks to me now about the challenges in his marriage and told me that if I had just demanded more from him, he knew that he would have left his wife and family to be with me as I gave him more satisfaction in every aspect of his life (not just sexually). I saw things differently thinking that I had no right to demand anything from someone who was not rightfully mine. I guess I will never know if he really meant this, although I think he did.

You live and learn from your experiences in life and know that I will never go down this road again. It is a lose-lose situation that will only cause pain and hurt for anyone who choses to live the life of another woman.

This post was inspired by “Diary of an Affair” and I pray that she will get hit by a brick of wisdom and reach for a bigger, brighter star and find a man she will love and call her very own.

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10 responses »

  1. As you’re aware since you have read Bad Girls blog, she is very in tune with what she’s into. She knows what the right course of action should be as well and is just waiting for some catalyst to get her going in that direction. But like all young people its easy to live life in the present with no awareness how quickly the future will be upon them. I hope she realizes soon enough before that special someone out there gets snatched up by another. She has a lot of friends here in blogland pulling for her.

    BG – It’s not my intention to talk about you behind your back. 😉 It’s meant for your eyes as well.

  2. We all know what we’re doing when we do something that’s wrong.

    I knew every second, while cheating and seeing women who had significant others, that I was doing wrong. It just took a terrible thing to happen for me to stop being so selfish and to start looking for someone of my own and to keep away from other women when I was with someone.

    We all have to learn for ourselves, no-one else can tell us.

  3. Relationships are a lot like jobs. It seems that in order to get along you have to have one. We put up with the things we don’t like for the benefits we get. Sometimes the things we don’t like start to bother us more and more, sometimes things get worst or the benefits no longer meet our needs and wants. Then the job/relationship doesn’t seem to be worth it. When this happens, we try to move on. It is hard to do without a job/relationship so we tend to hang on too long to a unsatisfying job/relationship. Its hard to judge someone else’s tipping point. All we really can do here in blog space is to offer our support. Often our support is shown by the way of suggestions. But we must remember we can only offer suggestions as friends do for one another.

    Hugs and peace to all
    SunsetMan

  4. CD, that married man that yu wrote about sounds like a raahtid jerk, but at least yu learnt from de experience–never to err so again. (Bloggin’ offers anonymity, an’ we as bloggers can write ’bout even de touchiest parts ov life–so therapeutic!)

  5. Interesting post… We all make mistakes, I guess… Now, Melly Mel, let me be the devil;s advocate… how come you cussed out the man, but didn’t cuss CD? It takes two to tango, they both were doing the wrong thing. What kind of female chauvinism is that?

  6. Mel, jerk or not, he was actually one of the best relationships I had. As you said, we err and learn from our mistakes.

    To Bad Girl, we are all here to support you, not to judge you but try to guide you based on our past experiences and what we know of the situation.

    Thanks for your comments everyone.

  7. Wow.

    Thank you for sharing CD. (and I know you wouldn’t talk about me behind my back do_in_it).

    I appreciate all the support. Beleive me-if it wasn’t for my blog friends, I might be a lot worse off than I seem.

    Thank you, thank you, thank you.

  8. We all mess up. Probably one of your best relationships because you had to put so much effort into it. You’ve learnt from it and moved on. Hope your current relationship is as or more rewarding than this one.

  9. MB, true it takes 2 to tango, then again “…problems in his marriage stemmed from his infidelity in the past. He had another child outside his marriage, this child being pretty much the same age as the child he had with his wife.” Ouch.

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