Company Policy: Effective from January 2006

Standard

VERY IMPORTANT NOTICE TO ALL EMPLOYEES

Dress Code:

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary.
If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you
are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that
you can buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore
you do not need a raise.

Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor’s notes as proof of sickness.
If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Annual Leave Days:
Each employee will receive 104 Annual Leave days a year.
They are called Saturday & Sunday.

Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work.
There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers.
Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the
arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary,
the funeral should
be scheduled in the late afternoon.
We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and
subsequently leave one hour early.

Toilet Use:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet.
There is now a Strict three-minute time limit in the stalls.
At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll
will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken.
After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company
bulletin board under the Chronic offenders category.
Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company’s
mental health policy.

Lunch Break:
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that
they can look healthy.
Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to
maintain their average figure.
Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that’s all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company..
We are here to provide a positive employment experience.
Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations,
irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations,
contemplation’s, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

Regards
Management

Does any of this sound familiar to anyone??

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8 responses »

  1. A manager in my company instituted the bathroom time thing, not to the extent of this joke, but said how often people should go to the bathroom. I’d pee right in front of her if she tried that with me … outa orda!!

  2. Can’t say my working environment is quite that hostile.

    That manager who is measuring bathroom time sounds like she may have supppem stuck up….oops…a nuh my site dis! 😉

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